Good news at last!

Well, today (actually yesterday, but you know what I mean) I had ALL four of my wisdom teeth removed. My Mom, Mike and Ben all came with me. They're so wonderful to me. They've supported me during all this legal crap and now getting my teeth out. All of them have helped me with money because I'm so broke I can't even begin to imagine it. I couldn't ask for a better family and boyfriend. When I went in for the surgery Ben went to the store to pick up my new Sims Medieval game that came out today. That was so expensive, I don't know what possessed them to do that! The surgery didn't take that long either. I went in at about 10:20 am and was out around 11:30ish. When they woke me up I was laughing which was weird!! Plus, I got to keep my teeth!! I know, I'm such a weirdo :) The dentist prescribed me vicodin for pain which made me a little nauseous the first time I took it, but the second time I was fine. Ben thought those painkillers would make me very loopy, but I'm really not. I've been pretty coherent and feeling very well. I played my game for a while, made Ben some dinner, and played some Disney Scene It. Not bad if I do say so myself!! I thought for sure I'd be dead to the world for at least the day.

Getting my wisdom teeth removed wasn't the good news though. I finally heard back about my re-certification for my job and they'll extend it for the time I need. I cried when I heard the news. I've been constantly stressed since November. I truly look forward to not being so anxious and stressed out all the time. That is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Thank you guys for being there for me...

Sleepy Still

Today I went to court again and was put in a program to get all these legal things cleared up. It's going to take a year for this program to be over, but whatever. As long as everything will be better in the end. So now it's just a waiting game. Another thing I'll have to see about is my job, but I really don't want to think about that right now.

On another note, I have to have ALL four of my wisdom teeth removed on the 22nd of this month. Go me! At least they're knocking me out for the procedure. I am pretty nervous because I've never been knocked out for anything ever! Well, if I die, it was nice while it lasted I suppose.

I am also glad to say that things with Ben and I are much, much better! I wouldn't have much to live for if I lost him. He has helped me out so much during this crappy time in my life. We've been together almost a year already. We dated for a while before we made it "official" so we're both not sure when to celebrate our anniversary. I think we're going to celebrate it on April 1st. That was when we left for Washington DC to go see the cherry blossoms. I believe it was when we were down there that I first told Ben I loved him. I'm so glad we're together. At least I'm ending on a happier note for a change :)

Ben and I sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial - April 2, 2010. This is one of my favorite pictures of us <3

We look like such goof balls here :)

Lincoln Memorial

Statue of Lincoln in his memorial :)

Reflecting Pool and Washington Monument

The cherry blossoms were gorgeous!

Jefferson Memorial with more pretty cherry trees

Inside the Jefferson Memorial

Close up on the pillars of the Jefferson Memorial

I loved the subway! The architecture was so interesting.

<3

Still not looking up

It's really beginning to seem that my life just isn't ever going to recover from this mess. Ben and I had a huge fight today. We've been fighting a lot anyway, so I don't know what's going to happen. I went out to visit him on his lunch today and when we were eating I asked if he was going to spend the night at my house. He said he'd have to think about it and then I said that he could sleep in if he wanted to at his own house. I honestly wasn't upset that he may not want to spend the night, but he thought I was. So then I asked if he was happy and a lot of other relationship related questions. It all escalated from there, it was just horrible. He gave me such a severe look, I wasn't sure what to say. I really feel secluded and not myself since that issue in November happened. Ben said that I get angry over everything, which I know is mostly true. I can't help it, I try not to, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. He also said that I criticize everything he does and I'm always lecturing him. So I've become a nag at 25. I hate the person I've become. I have so much going through this damn head of mine I can't stand it. I really hope tonight improves :'(

Will things ever get better?

If I thought things were really bad before, oh how wrong I was. I have to be certified to work at my job. Due to the legal issues I have found myself in the middle of, If I can't get re-certified I will most likely lose my job. Maybe I could work in a different department or something, but what's the point when everyone will talk about why I'm not an aide anymore? I mean, this isn't my dream job, but it pays my bills for now. Maybe not for much longer.

I've never been so depressed in my entire life. I try to stay positive and be happy, but how can I? Even with people around me I feel so alone. I don't really have many friends so it wouldn't matter if my existence was no longer. I'm nothing to this world. I'm just completely disgusted with myself in every way.

I love Ben with every ounce of my being, but I can't help to think he deserves so much better. I'm so proud of him too! He just got a new job with Apple and was finally able to quit shitty Game Stop. I'm so happy that he's succeeding! Ben is such a wonderful person, so kind, funny and charismatic. If I lost him, I'd be an empty shell of a person. I would completely understand if he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. It would upset him to know what I was thinking. This is a new beginning to his life, a new job and location, maybe it's time for a new girlfriend?

New Year's Resolutions

So here goes...

- Be a more positive person
- Lessen my debt
- Give up at least 3 credit cards
- Lose at least 15 pounds
- Eat healthier
- Get my car fixed!!!
- Pursue a different career
- Read more
- Sleep more regularly
- Swear less
- Travel somewhere new

Feeling down

There haven't been any new posts in a while because a lot has been going on. The last I wrote I was super excited about going to Reno. Only two days before I left, I ran into some legal issues which REALLY sucked. That's not even over and I don't want to think about it because it depresses me more than I can handle. I was in this horrible depressed funk for weeks. It took all of me to get on that airplane to Reno.

Anyway, I did end up going to Reno all by myself. I learned a lot at the Glaminar but, it saddens me that I won't really be able to pursue any of these stupid dreams for a while. I've really been thinking that I'm crazy for ever thinking that I could do this. This whole horrible situation has my confidence almost completely gone.

Then there's Ben and I. We've been bickering quite a bit lately. I'm not sure if it's because I've been sick with a cold/flu thing for way too long and now he's sick. Us not getting along has me even more melancholy. I feel like I'm a horrible girlfriend. All I keep thinking is that he deserves better than me and I should leave him alone. He should have a girlfriend who is sweet and can give him everything. More and more I think I deserve to be alone in this pathetic life of mine. Everyone's been getting pretty sick, so I don't know when I'll see him. Seeing him is the only highlight of my day. I'm beginning to think there's no end to how I feel. I really feel like a complete failure. Goodnight...

Has it set in yet?

This all came about pretty fast and it's still kinda sinking into my brain! There are only 17 days left until I go. I have to make sure I pack as much as I can in that little carry on suit case that I'm allowing myself. At least it's only a weekend! If I check one bag it'll cost $25 each way. I would much rather save $50! Plus, I can have my luggage with me at all times. Then I can avoid waiting forever for all the bags to unload from the airplane.

Everything has been booked. Hotel is booked, but not paid for until I arrive. Flights are booked and paid for. All having window seats with even numbers! And most importantly, the ticket for the Glaminar has been purchased! I also broke the news to my Mom that I'm going. She was alright with it, but she's nervous that I'm going alone. I'm going to miss her and Ben so much while I'm away. Ben said he'd go, but it's so close to the holiday season that he can't.

I am so excited to go! I've been following Kandee's blog for a few years now. I remember when she had her first Glaminar last year and I never thought that I'd ever go to one. Especially one so far away! I'll be three time zones away from home! :o

17 days...