Will things ever get better?

If I thought things were really bad before, oh how wrong I was. I have to be certified to work at my job. Due to the legal issues I have found myself in the middle of, If I can't get re-certified I will most likely lose my job. Maybe I could work in a different department or something, but what's the point when everyone will talk about why I'm not an aide anymore? I mean, this isn't my dream job, but it pays my bills for now. Maybe not for much longer.

I've never been so depressed in my entire life. I try to stay positive and be happy, but how can I? Even with people around me I feel so alone. I don't really have many friends so it wouldn't matter if my existence was no longer. I'm nothing to this world. I'm just completely disgusted with myself in every way.

I love Ben with every ounce of my being, but I can't help to think he deserves so much better. I'm so proud of him too! He just got a new job with Apple and was finally able to quit shitty Game Stop. I'm so happy that he's succeeding! Ben is such a wonderful person, so kind, funny and charismatic. If I lost him, I'd be an empty shell of a person. I would completely understand if he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. It would upset him to know what I was thinking. This is a new beginning to his life, a new job and location, maybe it's time for a new girlfriend?

New Year's Resolutions

So here goes...

- Be a more positive person
- Lessen my debt
- Give up at least 3 credit cards
- Lose at least 15 pounds
- Eat healthier
- Get my car fixed!!!
- Pursue a different career
- Read more
- Sleep more regularly
- Swear less
- Travel somewhere new

Feeling down

There haven't been any new posts in a while because a lot has been going on. The last I wrote I was super excited about going to Reno. Only two days before I left, I ran into some legal issues which REALLY sucked. That's not even over and I don't want to think about it because it depresses me more than I can handle. I was in this horrible depressed funk for weeks. It took all of me to get on that airplane to Reno.

Anyway, I did end up going to Reno all by myself. I learned a lot at the Glaminar but, it saddens me that I won't really be able to pursue any of these stupid dreams for a while. I've really been thinking that I'm crazy for ever thinking that I could do this. This whole horrible situation has my confidence almost completely gone.

Then there's Ben and I. We've been bickering quite a bit lately. I'm not sure if it's because I've been sick with a cold/flu thing for way too long and now he's sick. Us not getting along has me even more melancholy. I feel like I'm a horrible girlfriend. All I keep thinking is that he deserves better than me and I should leave him alone. He should have a girlfriend who is sweet and can give him everything. More and more I think I deserve to be alone in this pathetic life of mine. Everyone's been getting pretty sick, so I don't know when I'll see him. Seeing him is the only highlight of my day. I'm beginning to think there's no end to how I feel. I really feel like a complete failure. Goodnight...